How to: Be a Juggalo...

So, you would like to join the ranks of silly clowns? There is a few rules you have to follow of course....


1. You have to be from a middle of nowhere town, at least 2 hours away from the biggest city in your state. You get more "awesome" points if it produces a lot of really shitty meth.





2. You have to decide to never listen to good music again. You're only allowed to listen to bad rap, performed by white dudes who look like a cross between that fat kid you went to high school with, Tim Curry in "IT", and king diamond.








3. make sure your girlfriend is fat and very impressionable. How else are you going to get her to pose naked next to a poster of Insane clown posse for you and your mouth-breathing friend's enjoyment?



4. Make sure every decision you make in life has the foresight and intelligence of a wet sponge. Killing a pizza delivery guy with a hatchet because he made fun of you is always a good choice. Plus being raped in prison because you are a total wuss and not tough at all lends you street cred.



5. Dress like it's 1996 and you're still in middle school. Fat pants, xxx-l tshirts, black nail polish, and that stupid bowl cut you can pull back in to a pony tail, because nothing says " I have fetal alcohol syndrome " more than this awesome ensemble.



6. Make sure all of your friends are at least as retarded as you are. Who would help you paint your face otherwise?



7. Get really, really bad tattoos. Or go to a good shop (p.s. I know this for a fact) and get overcharged. Every tattoo artist also knows how lame you are.



8. Finaly, buy into the biggest underground marketing ploy ever created. I.C.P. is making millions off of you, moron! You pay 30 bucks a shirt? They cost $1.50 to make. You buy every cd their record label puts out? It's all digital. It can be produced in a basement for the cost of a re-writeable cd. They know that you are a stupid white kid, from the middle of no where, who has so much water in their brain that they think this is the only way anyone will take them seriously.

I'll let you in on a secret. No one does. YOU ARE DRESSED LIKE A MEAN CLOWN.......

Moving proof that the people who shop at the grocery store I work at are retarded...

I work at a health food store. Never said I was proud of it but it pays the bills. In the times to come I will be posting some of my favorite stories from my shitty days at work. I think it'll be pretty cathartic. Anyway, I got out of my car to go to work today and as I was crossing the parking lot I watched two rich women back right into each other. I even half assedly tried to warn them. I whispered to myself "stop your cars, morons" They failed to hear me I guess. I think they were too busy counting money to look behind them. It probably went like this:

Car 1: I am so fucking stoked to be rich! I'm gonna go home and eat this 20 pounds of caviar I just bought, wearing nothing but a top hat and monocle.YES!

Car 2: Being rich is awesome! sometimes I like to stuff a thousand dollars up my ass and walk around for no fucking reason whatsoever.

Car 1: I am going to buy two 6 year old kids from a third world country and make them fight to the death. Then I'm going to watch desperate housewives because I'm a vacant moron who only watches tv shows that other people tell me to watch.

Car 2: I'm so rich I don't even have to look behind me when I back out of a parking spot because a bridge made out of money and rainbows will automatically present itself to protect me and fly me away to my castle made out of crude oil and gold. YAY!!!!!

Car 1: My glasses made out of diamonds prevent me from looking behind me so I'm not going to.
CRUNCH!
Car 1 and 2 at the same time: Dear me!I hope the other person in the car isn't hurt. Unless it's a minority, of course. Since I'm rich I hate minorities.

This is what I think all of are customers are like, except with fur coats and jewelry....

A quick disclaimer....

I am an uneducated loser who enjoys making blanket statements about those around him. So, I'm the perfect person to have a blog.
I never went to college and you'll have to understand that any complaint about my grammar will be completely ignored because we all know that the only people who post comments about poor grammar are the same people who write transformers fan-fiction before furiously masturbating to hentai (I believe that's fat nerd for: animated porn).
If I say anything that hurts your feelings, that's because you are an overly-sensitive fuck stick, who was born with the disease we call; acute no sense of humor syndrome.
I am doing this for my own personal enjoyment. Not yours. I like to get really drunk and type surprisingly accurate rants at three am. I don't usually remember doing them, which only enhances my personal enjoyment.
I figured if lame-ass hipster douche bags can have blogs about absolutely nothing. Why can't I?
I don't plan on having lame stories about the last crappy show I went to, or photos of a bunch of ass clowns wearing Easter egg looking Reebok's. I plan on ranting about everything from things I hate, to other things I hate................enjoy.