People and Things I hate voulume 1.

I hate stuff. I'm good at it and it makes me happy. Here are things I particularly hate today.

This band. I call them all one band because it's useless to pretend other wise. Call it what you will. Emo, Screamo, emo-core. I like to call it statutory rape-rock. The only people that listen to this recorded equivalent of beer-shits are 16 year old girls with pink highlights in their hair and dudes who also have pink highlights. I would literally rather listen to Phil Collins.

Blue tooth headseads and the dudes who think they rule because they have them. I pulled this photo from photobucket. The caption was "Steve and his bluetooth." As if it was a picture of someone and their dog. Only complete douche-rockets have these things. Well Steve, It's obvious you're really important because you don't even have to lift you're arm to talk loudly in public on your phone. Thank god we all get to hear your conversation with your wife about how the grocery store you're at is out of the Doritos she likes. I hope he gets ass cancer.

Asshole.

Dear white people,

Stop having dread locks. The only white people that have dread locks are stinky gutter punks and stinky hippies. You can show everyone how much you like Phish (or Nausea) with a tshirt just as well as you can with a scabies nest that smells like the inside of a fat girl's cast on your head.

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The audio equivalent of a tape-worm.

Seriously! Fuck you! I hate these douche-bags so much it makes my entire body hurt. First off: These clothes look like a dude from LA raped Sailor Jerry and after wards Sailor Jerry took a giant painful shit all over a t shirt. The dude from LA then rung his hands and said "perfect, I have created the ideal douche-bag clothes". And Second: The only people who wear these clothes are total assholes. dbag 1: "Hey Todd, when we go date raping tonight what shirt should I wear? I got the pink polo that I wear with the collar popped, or my 80 dollar Ed Hardy stupid fucking t shirt that makes me look like a total queef." Dbag 2: " Well, Brad. I think you should go with the shitty Ed hardy t shirt because it compliments your stupid ass tribal tattoos and distressed jeans." Then they high five and make out.





Hipsters cause an involuntary reflex in my body where my fist shoots out in front of me violently. I hate them. The biggest problem with them is that they have ripped off and ruined so many art movements and sub cultures that none of them think they're actually a hipster. They think they're being "ironic" and "clever." Let me tell you something you stupid, day-glo fucktard. There is nothing ironic or clever about doing aderal, drinking shitty red wine at a dive-bar and buying all of your clothes exclusively at American apparel and urban outfitters. You're not cool because you like all the really shitty local bands that sound like weezer even though they claim that Tom Waits and other people that are actually relevant are they're influences. Nothing about you is good. Ten years from now you'll be on the new trend, still working at a coffee house, and regretting that you dressed like a Jackson Pollock painting if he were a retard.



I don't hate this. This is pretty goddamn awesome actually. It combines 2 rad things: Beer and Death. Party!

Dear Cosmo, Suck it!

That's right. I am an expert in the ways of love and I figure I should share my knowledge with you. With my tips you will get so much tail, that you will eventually amass all of the major STDs. Or if you're in a relationship your lady friend will be all, "OMG I love you soooooo much." You suck. I don't. Here we go.

Lady's love vulnerability. So, stand outside their window at night wearing nothing but fake blood. Also, cry. There is nothing more vulnerable than a naked crying dude.

Here is a really good pick up line: " I'm gonna bone you so hard, that when you eventually have kids they can say they were molested." Make sure you say bone...

After an all night sweat-fest wake her up and say. "I would have made breakfast but I farted in your fridge and I don't want to eat farts. You're also fat." They love honesty. You'll probably receive a B.J. for that one. Or at least a pretty solid high five.

When your girlfriend/wife/young Asian boy goes to work, eat everything in the fridge. When they get mad punch them in the stomach and tell them that's how you feel right now because you're so full. This teaches compassion and you can't spell compassion without passion.

Buy them a cat. Then crush it's skull in front of them. Just for fun.

When Valentine's Day comes along, make them listen to that "working in a coal mine" song over and over. As soon as their eyes glaze over shout you're welcome as loud as you can.

This one is for the single dudes. Only wear sweat pants and make sure you have an erection as much as possible. That's so they can see what you're working with.

Every time they try leave the house threaten to cut yourself. This shows them how much you love them.

Wear a ski mask and rob them about once a week because Lady's are better at saving money and you need to buy beer.

That's it for now, losers. I'm bored now...

10 things I would rather do than wake up early...

Seriously, I hate waking up early. I have a monthly work meeting I am forced to attend at 6 am. I normally work until 10:30 the night before. That just adds to the ass fuck that is my life (when I have to wake up). I like to stay up super late, play video games and drink. No big deal. It's just a simple pleasure I like to indulge in. So when I'm forced to wake up early it makes me want to kick god (or Buddha or wizards or whatever) square in the sack. Not super hard but hard enough so he knows what happened. These are the things I would prefer to waking up at the vagina of dawn.

1. Being raped by a horse. Have you seen those things? It looks like the arm of a German shepherd. Ow....

2. Getting stuck on an airplane filled only with Juggalos. Wow, I can't believe I even put that down. That may be my own personal Hell. Can you imagine it? All of them talking about what type of clown make up they use, or where they get their gigantic pants. Or how great I.C.P. is. I'm pretty sure that those are the only topics that those mental midgets can even slide past their lips when they aren't occupied with really bad track-weed and wine coolers.

3. Fight a bear. Bears are tough, dude...

4. Have a political conversation with a 16 year old. They don't know shit! They just think they do. I was the same way. Way to go kid, you've got ideals. I have bills to pay......shut up.

5. Travel back in time as a black or Jewish person. That is by no means a racist statement. They seriously got the shit end of the stick."God" pretty much punched them in the collective face.

6. Watch any movie with Nicholas Cage. That dude and his penis haircut totally bum me out. Who decided it would be a good idea to let him be an action star? They were wrong.

7. Eat a bowl full of homeless people's finger nail clippings. You're right that is a strange statement...

8. Sleep in the same bed as Robin Williams. I really think that would be super creepy. He kind of has that pedo-smile and all of that hair and stuff. I think I would cry.

9. Watch fat people eat. I hate doing that. It looks like someone throwing up in reverse.

10. Listen to nothing but I.C.P. over and over. Enough said.

Yes, I did half ass this. What do you want from me? It's early....

How to: Be a Juggalo...

So, you would like to join the ranks of silly clowns? There is a few rules you have to follow of course....


1. You have to be from a middle of nowhere town, at least 2 hours away from the biggest city in your state. You get more "awesome" points if it produces a lot of really shitty meth.





2. You have to decide to never listen to good music again. You're only allowed to listen to bad rap, performed by white dudes who look like a cross between that fat kid you went to high school with, Tim Curry in "IT", and king diamond.








3. make sure your girlfriend is fat and very impressionable. How else are you going to get her to pose naked next to a poster of Insane clown posse for you and your mouth-breathing friend's enjoyment?



4. Make sure every decision you make in life has the foresight and intelligence of a wet sponge. Killing a pizza delivery guy with a hatchet because he made fun of you is always a good choice. Plus being raped in prison because you are a total wuss and not tough at all lends you street cred.



5. Dress like it's 1996 and you're still in middle school. Fat pants, xxx-l tshirts, black nail polish, and that stupid bowl cut you can pull back in to a pony tail, because nothing says " I have fetal alcohol syndrome " more than this awesome ensemble.



6. Make sure all of your friends are at least as retarded as you are. Who would help you paint your face otherwise?



7. Get really, really bad tattoos. Or go to a good shop (p.s. I know this for a fact) and get overcharged. Every tattoo artist also knows how lame you are.



8. Finaly, buy into the biggest underground marketing ploy ever created. I.C.P. is making millions off of you, moron! You pay 30 bucks a shirt? They cost $1.50 to make. You buy every cd their record label puts out? It's all digital. It can be produced in a basement for the cost of a re-writeable cd. They know that you are a stupid white kid, from the middle of no where, who has so much water in their brain that they think this is the only way anyone will take them seriously.

I'll let you in on a secret. No one does. YOU ARE DRESSED LIKE A MEAN CLOWN.......

Moving proof that the people who shop at the grocery store I work at are retarded...

I work at a health food store. Never said I was proud of it but it pays the bills. In the times to come I will be posting some of my favorite stories from my shitty days at work. I think it'll be pretty cathartic. Anyway, I got out of my car to go to work today and as I was crossing the parking lot I watched two rich women back right into each other. I even half assedly tried to warn them. I whispered to myself "stop your cars, morons" They failed to hear me I guess. I think they were too busy counting money to look behind them. It probably went like this:

Car 1: I am so fucking stoked to be rich! I'm gonna go home and eat this 20 pounds of caviar I just bought, wearing nothing but a top hat and monocle.YES!

Car 2: Being rich is awesome! sometimes I like to stuff a thousand dollars up my ass and walk around for no fucking reason whatsoever.

Car 1: I am going to buy two 6 year old kids from a third world country and make them fight to the death. Then I'm going to watch desperate housewives because I'm a vacant moron who only watches tv shows that other people tell me to watch.

Car 2: I'm so rich I don't even have to look behind me when I back out of a parking spot because a bridge made out of money and rainbows will automatically present itself to protect me and fly me away to my castle made out of crude oil and gold. YAY!!!!!

Car 1: My glasses made out of diamonds prevent me from looking behind me so I'm not going to.
CRUNCH!
Car 1 and 2 at the same time: Dear me!I hope the other person in the car isn't hurt. Unless it's a minority, of course. Since I'm rich I hate minorities.

This is what I think all of are customers are like, except with fur coats and jewelry....

A quick disclaimer....

I am an uneducated loser who enjoys making blanket statements about those around him. So, I'm the perfect person to have a blog.
I never went to college and you'll have to understand that any complaint about my grammar will be completely ignored because we all know that the only people who post comments about poor grammar are the same people who write transformers fan-fiction before furiously masturbating to hentai (I believe that's fat nerd for: animated porn).
If I say anything that hurts your feelings, that's because you are an overly-sensitive fuck stick, who was born with the disease we call; acute no sense of humor syndrome.
I am doing this for my own personal enjoyment. Not yours. I like to get really drunk and type surprisingly accurate rants at three am. I don't usually remember doing them, which only enhances my personal enjoyment.
I figured if lame-ass hipster douche bags can have blogs about absolutely nothing. Why can't I?
I don't plan on having lame stories about the last crappy show I went to, or photos of a bunch of ass clowns wearing Easter egg looking Reebok's. I plan on ranting about everything from things I hate, to other things I hate................enjoy.